The new, German made cameras look different to the normal cameras, so I have included a photo so that you are familiar with them and able to make sure YOU DO NOT SPEED when approaching one of these devices.

Please take this warning seriously as they will not give you a second chance.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the by-pass, pushing it even more.

Looking in his mirror, he saw a patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He wound it up to 100mph, then 120, then 150

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the cop's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper walked up to the old guy on the R6, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Road traffic patrolman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir, " replied the patrolman, and sent the old man on his way.

“Gosh”, says Bob, “you’re gorgeous. I’ll give you another £200 if you’ll let me fondle your breasts”. The woman thinks for a while and as they could do with the money says “OK, then” and Bob duly fondles her.

“Oh”, he says “that was great. Tell you what, I’ll give you £400 if you’ll let me make love to you”. The woman thinks for a while and she can hear that her husband is still in the shower and they really could do with the money, and says “OK then”.

As they finish she can hear the shower finishing and she tells Bob that he’d better leave.

Her husband comes downstairs and asks “Who was that at the door?”. “Oh”, says his wife, “it was only Bob from next door”. “Oh good” says the husband, “did he mention anything about how much he got on E-bay for my 1998 Honda VFR?”.

One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea , which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style. "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched".

VASELINE YOUR BIKE

Brendan wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Yamaha with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain." And he hands Brendan a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Brendan is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Brendan decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Brendan remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"Enough is enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

God bless mommy, god bless daddy, god bless Spot and the new Harley Davidson I bought off the internet using my daddy's credit card.

So he sells his Medical Practice and enrolls at a motorcycle mechanic's course with Harley Davidson.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and re-assembling a Harley engine.

He grabs his tools (3 different sized hammers) and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else has already removed the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.

Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of 100 possible points you scored 150."

"But how is that possible?" the ex-gynaecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get 50 points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another 50 points for putting it back together perfectly."

"And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

"My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the Biker’ asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need every damn penny I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on motorcycles or fast cars instead of food?" the biker asked. "Absolutely not!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't ridden in 20 years and I haven’t had a car for at least 5 years."

"Well," said the Biker’, "I lied man. I'm not going to give you the fiver. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my Old Lady."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, my clothes are ragged and I probably smell pretty bad to."

The Biker’ replied, "Hey, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up motorcycles, booze, gambling and cars!"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a truck and killed.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

He noticed his friends had not arrived yet, so he asked one of the students, "Hey son, where is the toilet at?"

The customer sneered and said, "Here at Cambridge, we don't end our sentences in prepositions."

Styany looked at the guy in the sweater vest and said, "Okay. Let me rephrase that. Where is the bathroom at, Ass-hole?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

John man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car you got there, son?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about £200.000!"

"That's a lot of money," says John, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states yuppie proudly. John asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.

So John pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his Mobylette moped, says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the yuppie asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like John on his Mobylette!

"Couldn't be," thinks the yuppie. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS JOHN!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting. He runs up to the old man and says,

"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my brace's from your side-view mirror, will you?"

As he zipped down the by-pass and under the bridge, he saw flashing lights in the mirror as a cop car pulled him over. No amount of pleading could sway the cop from writing the speeding ticket.

During the process, the copper asked Leo where he was coming from and Leo replied, "I just got off work at the hospital." The copper looked at him suspiciously and asked, "What do you do at the Hospital?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," came the reply. "A rectum stretcher? What the hell is a rectum stretcher?" "Well," said Leo, "sometimes people have a defect where their rectum is too small and it can cause pain so I have some special instruments that can be used to stretch them out. I can even stretch them up to 6 feet." "Six feet?" said the cop, "What would anyone do with a six foot Ass-hole."

"Give him a badge and put him under a bridge," came the reply.

"Don't matter to me. I'm gonna use it fer an hammer anyway."

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said: "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub." The visitor said:" Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggest". No, the director said: "a normal person would pull the fucking plug out". Would you like a bed near the window?